Hi, my name is Anna and I have commitment issues

Commitment. Even the word itself feels encompassing, permanent, something you can’t escape. The fear of commitment is an issue which is becoming increasingly common for our generation where we are constantly bouncing from one opportunity to the next, a year here, a year there. Perhaps our graduate minds struggle to define time as anything other than an academic year and that seems to include our relationships. So long as what we are doing is short term, we can accept it as part of our lives. Is this a phenomenon which is going to plague a generation?

The first step to recovery is acceptance. Fine, I accept that I may have a slight problem when it comes to commitment. The thought of settling down with one person for the rest of my life fills me with dread rather any form of happiness. Hell, the thought of being in any sort of relationship makes me want to run in the opposite direction, and it has. I recently went on a few dates with a lovely guy who after date three was acting like we were some sort of couple (come on, that is too keen) and so naturally rather than discuss this with him I did what I always do in these situations: immediately back off and dump them. Such is my inability to deal with these things, my friend had to draft the text to send as my usual style of the casual phase out is apparently not socially acceptable once you are in your mid twenties.

Redefining the term

I think we try to redefine commitment in some vain attempt at disguising it by setting expiration in our minds before it even begins: ‘oh I will only be with him until I graduate/move cities/something better comes along’ or my personal reason ‘This a temporary relationship until the guy I actually love realizes that this whole best friends thing is a charade and it has always been him!!’, le sigh. Well that was my excuse until I finally got what I wanted and messed it up but that is another story. We look for excuses from the beginning to stop ourselves getting too attached in case this person stands in the way of our dreams. I enjoy being selfish right now and doing exactly what I want to do, live in whichever city I feel like and not need to consult anyone. Perhaps I am at a point in my life where I can do that and one day I will wake up wanting to be all domesticated. I sincerely doubt that but nunca digas nunca. Now, I think, I have become so accustomed to being independent and single that the thought of having to spend copious amounts of time with one person is enough to make me want to just settle down with myself. Is that a thing? Probably not.

Thankfully I have not reached the point in my life where Facebook friends start getting engaged however I fear the day is nigh. That is when the pressure truly begins to do something so permanent and…normal. When I think about my future I plan to spend at least a year working in New York, perhaps some time in South America and not one of those plans incorporates having to consider someone else’s life. Don’t get me wrong, I will happily date, I managed to date a guy for over a year without ever having to confront feelings or define what we were, perhaps that is not the healthiest route to go down but it worked for us until he moved back home which happens to be the other side of the world. Not before asking me to go too, I considered it for a brief second but I can barely commit to a phone contract. Perhaps I am destined to live a life of solitude.

There is a constant curiosity among our generation to explore, take chances and make mistakes without regard for anything or anyone and this is where the issue lies. We are not used to committing to anything in the long term as you never know what opportunity might come along tomorrow. It is hard to get people to commit to brunch let alone long term plans and god forbid if you have to make decisions on behalf of a group. Maybe our expectations are too high, we want it all now but are constantly waiting for the next better thing to come along. Maybe we should be content with what we have but I have never been one to settle.

Perhaps the first step to recovery is acceptance but what if we don’t want to recover?

Tags: commitment, life, relationships, twentysomething